The Adventures of Space Pirate Commander Shepard
by greggsmk
Summary: Jack once told him to try his hand at Space Piracy. Finally fed up with the Council's lack of action, Shepard does just that. Unfortunately, he also manages to find the one profession he's terrible at. Tremble, galaxy. Space Pirate Commander Shepard has been born.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and everything associated with it are property of Bioware and EA. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Notes: Okay, so does everyone remember the conversation in ME2 between Jack and Shepard regarding plans for the future? Where Jack suggests Shepard become a pirate? Good. Well, in this universe, between ME2 and ME3, Shepard decides to hell with it, and makes a go as a Space Pirate. Unfortunately for him, he also discovers the one profession that he's truly terrible at. I present to you a series of oneshots, days in the life of Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Be warned, extreme OOC-ness may abound. Enjoy!

* * *

The Adventures of Space Pirate Commander Shepard

Chapter 1

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

I've had enough of the bloody Council. Their refusal to see the truth has finally broken my spirit. I hereby resign as Spectre Shepard, for I have found a new calling.

Jack once told me I should go pirate, make a go of it out in the Terminus Systems. Well, it's worth a shot.

Today a new Shepard is born.

Today, Space Pirate Commander Shepard rises.

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log.

* * *

Exodus Cluster, Asgard System.

"And their manifest indicates a number of high-value crates?"

Shepard stood valiantly behind Joker's chair, staring out into the blackness of space. The effect wasn't as dramatic as he'd hoped, as the freighter they were tracking wasn't anywhere close to being in visual range, and the eyepatch he'd put on cut his field of vision in half. "Yes, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, they are listed as goods essential to the well being of the colonists. We should be able to capture the crates and ransom them."

A fierce nod, "Very good, Space Pirate EDI. What's their current status?"

"The freighter has just entered the system, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. They are holding true to course for Terra Nova."

"Alright. Space Pirate Joker, I want our stealth systems activated; bring us close enough to board. Space Pirate EDI, once we are close enough, break into their systems and kill their drive core."

"Roger, Space Pirate Commander."

The Normandy approached the lumbering freighter, a mere speck of grey against the galactic backdrop. Quickly and quietly, the frigate moved ever closer, until the freighter's engines suddenly went dark.

"Space Pirate Commander Shepard, I have attained control over their systems."

"Well done, Space Pirate EDI. All hands, this is Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Prepare to board the enemy vessel!"

With a thump that shook the deckplates and the hiss of the airlock, the Normandy closed and docked with the now stranded ship. Shepard looked behind him to the squad he'd handpicked for this, his debut mission of Space Piracy. Jack and Grunt both looked eager, and Kasumi stood off to the side, smiling and muttering to herself about all the loot she could get her hands on. Good, he liked a little greed on his crew, and Shepard had a long history and vast experience in the art of looting.

The squad readied their weapons and entered the airlock, sliding on their helmets and masks. With a hiss, the door to the disabled freighter opened up, and the squad moved into the small cargo bay that bordered every airlock on every freighter.

"Remember, concussion rounds and gas grenades only. We want to leave the crew alive to tell the tale, if we can."

Weapons armed, the squad began running to the main corridor that would lead them to the freighter's large cargo bays. They encountered little resistance, the freighter had a small crew, and none of them were up to the standard of combatants that Shepard's squad was used to.

Moving quickly, they entered the cargo bay and noted the various crates stacked about. They would have to be fast, EDI had alerted them to Terra Nova's small defense fleet being launched in defense of the freighter.

Locating the six large crates that had been targeted for their high value contents, the squad quickly grabbed one of the loading carriers and began shifting their plunder back to the Normandy.

It didn't take long, the crates were surprisingly light, and Grunt was able to handle two of them all by himself. Shepard was so proud his little krogan baby had grown up so fast and was already prioritizing his looting.

Soon, the Normandy was loaded up, and the squad had returned, taking the elevator down to the cargo bay where they could examine their loot. Shepard opened the comm to Joker.

"Space Pirate Joker, disengage from the freighter and get us out of the system."

"Got it, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

"Now, time to see what we've got."

The squad gathered down in the bay around the six large crates they'd plundered. Giving the order, Shepard and the others began to pry them open.

The result was…unexpected.

"Can we keep 'em?"

Yes. Six crates of highly valuable goods turned out to be six crates filled with little, furry, squirming puppies.

Shepard was not terribly amused.

The puppies barked.

Grunt, however, was apparently hungry.

The puppies began making adorable faces in addition to the barking.

"Space Pirate Commander Battlemaster Shepard, these things taste any good?"

"No, Space Pirate Grunt. Unless you cook them right, I suppose."

"Sonuvabitch! Shepard! What the hell!"

"Space Pirate Jack, that's Space Pirate Commander Shepard to you."

"Fine! Space Pirate Commander Shepard! What the hell!"

"They were marked high value!"

"Aw, fuck it. I say space the lot of 'em."

The puppies began pawing at Jack and Shepard's feet, and Grunt picked up a small Corgi, looking it in the eye.

"But…But they're puppies!"

"Space Pirate Commander Battlemaster Shepard. This one is a warrior, I can tell. I will train him."

Jack looked down, and finding a tiny Border Collie sniffing her boots, claimed it as hers.

Shepard discreetly pushed a tiny German Shepherd puppy behind his foot before ordering the rest gotten rid of.

* * *

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

Well, that could have gone better. Fortunately for the puppies, we've seen them off to good homes in the various colonies we pass by, and I was able to prevent Grunt from eating them.

That may have been a rather inglorious beginning to my new career, but I hold out hope!

Yes, our next target will be a good one. I can feel it in my artificially enhanced bones.

Soon…soon the galaxy will learn to fear me.

Soon they will all fear the name of Space Pirate Commander Shepard.

All of them.

Even the Hanar.

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log.

* * *

AN: Okay, so I've got a bunch of ideas for oneshots in this series. If anyone has something they desperately want to see, leave it in a review, and I'll see if I can work it in. Cheers!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and everything associated with it are property of Bioware and EA. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Notes: To everyone who read, and especially those who reviewed, thank you. Now, on with the show!

* * *

The Adventures of Space Pirate Commander Shepard

Chapter 2

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

Something must be done.

The crew of the freighter we raided has been talking, spreading word of our wonderful heist.

They are not fearful words.

And unfortunately, I am forced to agree with them, Commander Padfoot aside.

This cannot be allowed to continue.

Space Pirate EDI has located an exploratory vessel mapping our current system. Perhaps it is time for drastic measures.

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log

* * *

Voyager Cluster, Amazon.

"Okay, Space Pirate EDI, have you gained control of their systems?"

"Yes, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Their drive core and shields are offline, and communication systems have been jammed."

The squad was ready and waiting by the airlock, "Excellent. Space Pirate Jack, Space Pirate Grunt. Are you prepared?"

Jack just grinned at him, finally pleased he'd begun to understand the way of the pirate, "Just rounding them up, right, Space Pirate Commander Shepard? Then we get to have some fun?"

"Indeed, Space Pirate Jack."

"This is a waste of time, Space Pirate Commander Battlemaster Shepard. Better to just kill them all as we come across them."

"No, Space Pirate Grunt. For this sort of terror inducing, you want to get all the crew together where they can see what happens to the rest as is happens."

Jack grudgingly nodded at the young krogan, "Much as I hate to agree with the ex-king of the boy scouts, he's got a point."

"Space Pirate Commander Shepard. We are approaching the enemy airlock, please prepare to board."

As the door hissed and cycled open, Shepard's squad prepared for the inevitable firefight. Exploratory vessels always carried a small stock of arms for the occasional hostile encounter. Fortunately, that small stock or arms turned out to be a pair of Avengers and few scattered Predators.

There was much laughing and pointing among the squad.

Needless to say, the "inevitable firefight" turned out to be more along the lines of "let Grunt enter the room and grin and they surrender." Shepard was almost sulking by the end of it all. He was the one that killed reapers, why weren't they surrendering for his face? He even had a fierce eye patch on!

It wasn't long before the entire crew had been rounded up, walking with hands on their heads. Lacking a suitable location for a firing squad, Shepard led the twenty men and women into the medical bay. Having them die here would certainly be extra scarring.

Once they had the entire crew lined up in the medical bay, Shepard began to pace in front of them, peering at their faces with his gimlet eye. The other was, of course, also very gimlet, but hiding behind his eye patch.

Suddenly he spun, and pointed to the two at the very end of the line.

"Those two. They like to gossip, I can smell it. They will be the ones to spread word of our deeds here."

"And the rest, Space Pirate Commander Shepard?"

"Kill them all."

Unfortunately for him, EDI broke in over their comms, "Space Pirate Commander Shepard, you can't kill the crew."

What! Preposterous. He was Space Pirate Commander Shepard! He killed everything! From rabbits to reapers! "Why the bloody hell not?"

"You're a Paragon, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Paragons don't kill the crew."

Oh, right. That. "But I could be a Renegade. You know…if I wanted to."

"No, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, you're already a full Paragon."

Shepard snapped his fingers. "Drat. Hoisted by my own Picard."

"That's 'petard', Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

"Thank you, Space Pirate EDI." Sighing to himself, he turned to the rest of his squad, "Let them go."

"What! Space Pirate Commander Shepard!"

"Sorry, Space Pirate Jack. I have to let them go, it's in the rulebook."

"So let us kill them! I'd be happy to! Literally! Crushing them into a fine paste would feel wonderful!"

"Sorry, Space Pirate Jack, but you're a part of my crew. That means you're an honorary Paragon."

"Fuck!"

Greatly disheartened, the squad proceeded to knock out the explorer's crew. Feeling as though he had to do something to instill a little fear into the crew's minds, Shepard had EDI override the explorer's computer. Now, every time the occupants tried to alter their course, the computer would crash, and hitting ctrl-alt-del would result in a bevy of xenopornography flooding their databanks. Soon, they would be mentally scarred, and would speak of Shepard's depravity to others. Excellent.

* * *

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

Apparently I am now being haunted by my former goody-goody boy scout self.

The vessel has simply continued its flight pattern, scanning and mapping the system. Space Pirate EDI noted a new entry in the ship's databanks regarding their strange piratical encounter.

The words are…not complimentary.

When Jack suggested I become a pirate, I thought it would be simple. I mean…Step One: Fly up and shoot people. Step Two: Something exciting happens. Step Three: Loot!

I had no idea being a Space Pirate Commander was so hard.

This is the kind of thing they're supposed to tell you about in career counseling.

Damn.

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and everything associated with it are property of Bioware and EA. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

The Adventures of Space Pirate Commander Shepard

Chapter 3

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

I am beginning to become somewhat disillusioned. Space Pirate EDI has reminded me of my duties as a Paragon.

Still, I will find a way.

I may not be allowed to kill people, but that doesn't mean I can't terrify and horrify them.

Now, how to go about it?

I suppose I could find some sacred cultural item or event and desecrate it. I do seem to come across those fairly often; finding one on purpose shouldn't be too difficult…

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log

* * *

Annos Basin, Pranas.

Space Pirate Commander Shepard stood in in his dramatic stance behind Joker's console. On the screens was a pair of diplomatic vessels belonging to the Hanar Primacy. Reports indicated that the hanar were celebrating one of their culture's holidays.

"Space Pirate EDI, what is this holiday about, again?"

"The hanar word does not directly translate into English, but the closest approximation is 'The Many Limbed Day of Highest Revelry'."

"Sounds perfect. Let me know when we're on a docking approach."

Thane walked up to the cockpit, turning in place to address him. "Space Pirate Commander Shepard. While my health and perfect memory will not permit me to join you in your hunt, I would strongly urge you to reconsider."

"Space Pirate Thane, the hanar are safely enjoying a sacred cultural event. As a Space Pirate, it's my duty to interrupt and desecrate it."

"Of course, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. I…I wish you the best of luck."

With that, Thane attempted to fade into the shadows. Unfortunately, the Normandy was still in her Cerberus configuration, and all the bright lights everywhere greatly limited the shadows cast about. Thane was a master assassin and managed to get into it, but it was a tight squeeze, and his left arm and leg were sticking out. Out of politeness, Shepard chose not to comment; the drell was dying, after all. He could be granted some leeway.

Hearing the thump of combat boots on the deckplates, Shepard spun around, expecting to find his Pirate Squad. It turned out to be a very sheepish pair of Garrus and Tali.

"Well, Space Pirate Garrus, Space Pirate Tali, have you finally decided to join in our glorious raids?"

"I've seen my fair share of pirates, and you, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, are not like any of them." Shepard took that as a compliment of the highest order. Behind Jack, Garrus was probably the most familiar with pirates on board the ship. "I mean, I've never heard of a pirate that doesn't kill, before." Oh, that. Damn it EDI…

"Space Pirate Tali? Is that why you're joining us today, too?"

"Well, that…and I missed out on claiming a puppy the last time you went looting." Smirking, Shepard thought of Commander Padfoot up in his quarters. He couldn't tell if the puppy had been misbehaving or not, as the little scamp had begun taking and hording items of his away. He was proud, clearly the puppy had inherited his looting genes, but the loot was Shepard's to begin with…so Commander Padfoot and his bed were currently locked up in the bunk's head.

"Space Pirate Commander Shepard, we are approaching the vessels. As hanar vessels are automated in the extreme, I have been able to completely lock out their control of the systems."

"Good work, Space Pirate EDI. Alert me when we've docked."

"Roger, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

On the screen the pair of linked vessels drew closer, Joker inverting the Normandy in order to reach the hanar designed airlocks.

A muffled thump, "We have docked, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

"Good. Pirate Squad, lock and load."

Once the trio entered the airlock, the Normandy's doors cycled closed and the enemy vessel's opened up. As experienced as the trio was in working together, none of them needed to say anything as they leap-frogged their way deeper into the ship. EDI's voice came over their helmets, "Space Pirate Commander Shepard, life sign scans and analysis of hanar culture indicate that the celebration will be taking place in the converted docking bay, twenty meters to your right."

"Thank you, Space Pirate EDI."

Moving twenty meters to their right, the squad paused outside the sealed doorway. Garrus and Tali moved to opposite sides and when ready, signaled Shepard. The Space Pirate Commander charged forward as Tali quickly toggled the controls. Unfortunately, she didn't toggle them fast enough, and the timing was off. Shepard promptly ran headfirst into the solid steel doorway.

From his position flat on his arse on the floor, Shepard just looked up at the ceiling, "Space Pirate Tali? Do you have something you want to say to me?"

Shepard could feel the heat coming off her blush through her suit. "Sorry, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. The hanar have triply encrypted the door lock. I didn't expect that."

Getting to his feet, Shepard directed the others to get back into position. Setting up again, he charged forward half a step before halting and looking at Tali.

The quarian rolled her glowing eyes at him and nodded.

"Okay, let's go!"

With that the trio burst through the doorway, weapons out and ready. Taking in the sight before, them however, guns that had killed thousands dropped numbly from shaking hands.

"Space Pirate EDI, what the hell have we walked in on?"

"It appears, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, to be one of the hanar's ceremonial orgies."

"Well…fuck."

"Indeed, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

The squad did their level best not to disturb the writhing mass of jelly, tentacles, and cries of "This one wants it in the glornaxt!" Quietly gathering their arms, the trio retreated behind the doorway. Tali promptly reengaged the lock and encryption, and the team slowly walked back to the Normandy.

Not a single word was spoken.

Once they had returned, Garrus and Tali silently entering the elevator, Shepard numbly walked to the galaxy map, intending to pick a new destination as fast as possible. Noticing movement out of the corner of his uncovered eye, he turned to see Kelly trying to slink away from her consoles.

"Space Pirate Ensign Kelly, where are you going?"

"Umm, nowhere, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Just out to get some fresh air."

"We're in space."

"Yeah…um, right."

"Back to your station, Space Pirate Ensign Kelly. No Hanar orgies for you."

Her shoulders slumped, and she slunk back to her post. "Awwwwwww…"

EDI's voice came over the speakers, "Actually, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, sending Space Pirate Kelly over to the diplomatic vessel may scar the hanar enough to report of our cruelty."

Shepard rubbed his chin with his hand, pondering the idea. It had merit. Kelly and her…tastes, were enough to scar just about everyone. But, not even Shepard was cruel enough to inflict her upon the unsuspecting hanar.

Turning to the young ensign, a hopeful look on her face, he reinforced that line of thought. Besides, Shepard didn't want to be responsible for introducing scale-itch to the innocent hanar diplomats.

* * *

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

I…I am not sure what to think.

I believe Space Pirate Thane knew, and let me go over regardless.

I may have to keelhaul him. In space.

My original goal of making even the hanar fear me has apparently been turned on its end.

Ironic.

Still, there must be some way to salvage this debacle. I will have them fear me, whether they want to or not.

All of them.

Except maybe the hanar.

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and everything associated with it are property of Bioware and EA. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

The Adventures of Space Pirate Commander Shepard

Chapter 4

* * *

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

I have been from one side of this galaxy to the other, and I have seen such amazing wonders built or grown over the past millions of years that they still continue to take my breath away. And yet I stiffened my upper lip and was resolute in the face of such beauty.

I have seen the ferocity of the thresher maws, and the cold calculation behind the reapers. I have seen the horrors that my own race perpetuated against everyone, including ourselves. And yet, I steeled myself and stood fast in the face of such brutality.

I have seen death, and after being brought back from the other side, have seen the dark heart of humanity. I have even championed its cause. And in doing so, I gritted my teeth and held my tongue, for they were the only people in this galaxy working to save it.

And for the life of me, I will never be able to look at the hanar the same way, ever again.

Big stupid jellyfish…

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log

* * *

Armstrong Nebula, Hong System.

"Alright, Space Pirate EDI, let's go over the list again."

"Of course, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

"Item the first: there are no hanar."

"Affirmative, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. The mining camp is registered under a series of false names, but can be traced back to a human exploratory group affiliated with Ariake Technologies. Scans penetrating the surface and prefabs indicate thirty-eight humans, fourteen salarians and sixteen asari. Weapon and armor scans are compatible with those recorded as being used by Eclipse Mercenaries. It seems plausible that they have been hired to provide security."

"Item the second: there are no puppies."

"Affirmative, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. My first through ninth scans searching for canine life forms all came back negative. The tenth scan resulted in a false positive regarding one very peculiar salarian. Eleventh through thirty-second scans all turned up negative results. I am confident that there will be no canine life forms present on the surface, puppies or otherwise."

"Item the third: there are in fact valuable goods present."

"Affirmative, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. The mine serves several purposes. It is a source of valuable materials that Ariake Technologies uses in its omni-tool and armor construction. Additionally, several high-grade minerals are frequently unearthed, providing a monetary boon to the company. The mine also serves as a storage facility for stockpiled materials and excavated minerals and gems. The last supply and pick up run took place eighteen days ago. The next one is due in two days. Theoretically, their storage facilities should be nearly full. Mineral scans of the area confirm this."

"Item the fourth: I am fully allowed to kill people."

"Affirmative, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Your Paragon status will prevent you from indiscriminately attacking the facility, of course, but any miner that arms him or herself is a fair target. Additionally, any and all Eclipse Mercenaries are open and encouraged targets. In particular, as we have confirmed that Eclipse Mercenaries are required to murder in order to 'earn' their suits, your Paragon status will not in fact allow you to leave any of them alive."

"Item the fifth: once we land and neutralize the defenders, we will in fact be able to extract the valuable cargo."

"Affirmative, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Cargo can be loaded onto the Normandy directly, or if that fails, brought on board in turns by shuttle."

"Item the sixth: Space Pirate Grunt has agreed to not only join us, but to leave Corgiagur behind on the Normandy."

"Affirmative, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. He has been bribed with several treats and a variety of chew toys. On an unrelated note, Corgiagur has proven to be a most obedient warrior, immediately returning to his sleeping tank to guard it without once questioning your order."

"Item the last: has anyone else volunteered to join us on our noble…uhm, that is…our fearsome quest?"

"Affirmative, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Upon hearing tales of your new profession from the rest of the crew, Space Pirate Justicar Samara has elected to join you on the ground."

"Very good, Space Pirate EDI. Let me know when we are on approach, and alert Space Pirate Grunt and Space Pirate Justicar Samara to meet me in the cargo bay."

With that, Shepard turned away from his desk, its screens displaying all the relevant scan data. Idly scratching Commander Padfoot on the head, he walked over to the numerous storage drawers and began to remove his general duty fatigues and strap on his armor. It didn't take long, as familiar with it as he was. He'd taken the armor down to the fabricator in the armory and had the colors swapped, it was now red with a black stripe down the arm. Much more fearsome.

Grabbing and locking on his weapons, Shepard whistled and pointed at the dog bed still in the bathroom. Commander Padfoot whined, and Shepard simply crossed his arms over his chest. With head down and tail between his legs, Commander Padfoot slowly padded into the head and spun about over the bed before settling down.

Shepard nodded and tossed him a rawhide bone before shutting the door and leaving his quarters. Riding the elevator to the cargo bay, Shepard was unsurprised to see Grunt and Samara already there and checking over their weapons. Samara was gazing off into the distance as she did so automatically, and Grunt chewed something as he fiddled around with his Claymore.

"Okay, Space Pirate Justicar Samara, glad to see you've joined our supremely evil cause. Now, here's what we know. The mining facility down on the planet is fully stocked with all sorts of loot for the taking. They've got sixty-eight men and women down there, who will all futilely try to prevent our lootery. Many of them are likely Eclipse Mercs, those are all to be killed. The rest are the mine's staff. Space Pirate EDI has informed me that I, and by proxy you all, are not allowed to kill any unarmed civilians. So, if any of them try to attack us, take them out, but if they surrender or don't pick up arms, we have to let them go. That said, I want to hear plenty of shouting and taunting, ordering them to pick up arms and fight back. We have to make them fear us, and so far, that hasn't been going so well."

"Space Pirate Commander Shepard, we are now on approach to the facility."

"Thank you Space Pirate, EDI. You heard the lady, time to get a move on!"

With that, the three of them piled into the shuttle, piloted by one of the crew. Within moments, the bay doors had opened and the shuttle launched, streaking downwards toward the hapless mine and its equally hapless defenders. It wasn't long before they reached the target, and small arms fire began trying helplessly to shoot down the shuttle.

"Okay, once we set down, Space Pirate Grunt, break their defenses and establish a perimeter. Space Pirate Justicar Samara, assist him, but focus on any heavies or biotics in the area. I'll provide covering fire. Be sure to check your targets and flaunt our superiority."

The shuttle touched down and the three leapt out, firing wildly at the bevy of yellow-armored troops awaiting them. Grunt took great delight in running about and literally over a few, laughing all the way. Samara was a bit more restained, but even she was getting into the spirit of things, calling all the mercs out on their unjust and naughty behavior.

It was a start, and Shepard was proud that she was trying so hard to fit in.

As it was with all the Eclipse mercs they had encountered before, mopping them up took only minutes, a deploringly bad track record for a galaxy-wide mercenary band. Pretty soon, the squad began working their way throughout the facility, moving room by room and eliminating any of the armed resistance they found.

Grunt had apparently been taking lessons in subtlety from Shepard, and would occasionally throw one of the discarded weapons at a hapless mine worker, forcing them to catch it before gunning them down. After the third such case, Samara had bopped him on the crest and wagged her finger at him. Grunt, properly chastened, had merely begun kicking the weapons in the workers' general direction, giving them a quick choice between surrender and death.

Soon enough, all of the mine's occupants had been dealt with, and Shepard had Samara lock up the twelve who surrendered in the commissary. It was finally time to take stock of their loot. Which, as it turned out, happened to be several large storage bays filled to the brim with rare and valuable minerals. One of the rooms had in fact contained what must have been more than four or five tons of gold alone.

Shepard was ecstatic, and grinning at Grunt, just pointed at the gold, "Look at all this loot!"

Grunt gave a craggy grin in reply, but was interrupted by the ever-killjoying voice of EDI, "Space Pirate Commander Shepard, there's a call coming in from Councilor Anderson, he needs you in the Styx Theta system in an hour."

What? No! There was looting to be done! "But…but the loot!"

"He says now, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. He has a mission of utmost importance."

Not this time. He'd retired from the Spectres and the Alliance. He was a bona fide Space Pirate now, "Screw that! We've got loot here to deal with! Tell him to ask any of the other hundreds of thousands of operatives that he has."

"He adds that if you do not comply, he will use his super council powers to outlaw the sale of alcohol to you or anyone on your crew."

Oh. Well, fuck. "Goddamnit! You're telling me I've got to choose between the loot and the booze? That's not fair!" Shepard sighed, and looked forlornly at the entire room full of raw, gleaming gold. He cursed the helmet which prevented him from wiping away the tears that filled his eyes, "Fine…tell Spa-"

"Space Pirate Jeff has been monitoring the call, and has already directed the Normandy down for an immediate pickup."

"He fears for the booze?"

"Indeed, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

"…Good work, Space Pirate Joker."

* * *

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

It is a sad fact of life that many people choose to cope with their issues through the consumption of alcohol. Many get lost in the bottle, many become unable to function without it, and many end up either accidentally or purposefully drinking themselves to death.

Fortunately for me, I've already died, so I no longer need to worry about almost all of those things. Even better, my liver is now a really neat plastic thingamajig that I've tested quite thoroughly.

No longer does Space Pirate Doctor Chakwas reign as the hardest drinker on board.

Unfortunately, it seems that my former commander, the _esteemed Admiral-Councilor Anderson_ has even more contacts that I could possibly imagine. Upon contacting my suppliers of alcohol, I was promptly told that I would be allowed to purchase anything, but all purchases would be recorded and the records sent to the_ esteemed Admiral-Councilor Anderson_.

Fortunately, I have a solution. Honorary Space Pirate King Urdnot Wrex is still my buddy, and my Ryncol hookup is still going strong.

In order to eliminate this glaring security breach, I have ceased procuring all alcohol save Ryncol, which I now pledge to drink exclusively.

That'll show 'em.

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log

* * *

Author's Notes: Another tidbit for the masses. Thank you everyone for reading, and a special thank you and imaginary cookie to Alex T. William, chrizzle88, and t3HPrO for reviewing. I hope you all enjoyed it, and will continue to enjoy these. I'm currently finishing up the next chapter of my Dragon Age story and the Prologue to my Harry Potter story; expect to see them out soon. 'Til then, thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and everything associated with it are property of Bioware and EA. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

The Adventures of Space Pirate Commander Shepard

Chapter 5

* * *

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

I have now been banned from drinking ryncol on board the Normandy. Unfortunately, it's by the one person I would never disobey: the supremely evil, liquor-snatching, tyrannical…

_I have a shotgun._

…wonderfully lovely, ever-so-kind, light of my heart woman whom I love with all my being.

Damn, those weren't very piratical words, were they? Space Pirate EDI! Delete this log, I'm going to start over!

_I'm sorry Space Pirate Commander Shepard, I cannot comply._

But! Wha…Oh the hell with it… Space Pirate Joker! Set course for Illium!

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log

* * *

Illium, Eternity Bar and Lounge

"Butthey don' fear me! Some Space Pira' I turn'd out ta be…"

Shepard was sitting by himself at the bar in Eternity. The bartender, Matriarch Aethyta had already served him a number of drinks, the last six of which had been smoking mugs of ryncol. EDI was monitoring and conversing with him, causing a number of patrons to give him odd looks, as the AI was talking into his headset and not out loud, "That is not entirely true, Shepard. You're last raid was very successful, up until Councilor Anderson's interference."

"Yeah, but…it wastoo easy! 'Clipse mercs blow krogan balls. Big ones! All four of 'em! What'm'I s'posed to do now?"

"There are many opportunities for Space Piracy in the galaxy, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

Draining his mug and signaling for another, Shepard began scratching his head in deep thought, "I could…I could… I'got it! I'mma steal Christmas! Evry'one love Chris'mas!"

"I am sorry, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, Christmas is impossible to steal. A number of thieves have attempted to do so over the years, including Space Pirate Kasumi and her former associate, Honorary Space Pirate Keiichi. The most successful Christmas-thief to date has been an enigmatic man known only as 'The Grinch.' While successful, he was subsequently infected by the Christmas Spirit and immediately returned Christmas to the galaxy."

His shoulders slumped. There went that brilliant idea, "Fuckin' Grinch…stealin' Chris'mas..."

"Indeed, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

Bloody killjoy, she never let him do anything fun, "So wha' can I do? You don' let me kill peoples…an'…an'…the hanar're fuckin' weird…an'…"

"I have audio logs recording Space Pirate Jack as she describes her former pirate life. At the time, she indicated that people could be captured and ransomed, but that it was always easier to just kill the crew. Given the general level of insanity and low odds most of your plans tend to have, perhaps it would in fact prove easier to capture and ransom someone."

Oh, that had some potential. Okay, so who had money? "Whaddabout a vid star? Those've always got money. Like Blasto! Wait! Scratch tha', not like Blasto…Space Pira' EDI! Gimme a list of vids that make a lottof credits. 'Cept if they got fuckin' hanar in 'em…"

"Acknowledged, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, forwarding the top ten grossing vids of the last year to your omni-tool."

Seeing his omni-tool light up, he finished the mug and signaled for another before opening up the file he'd been sent, "Okay, lessee here…'All Out Quarian Cock Assault?' 'Elcor Spank Inferno?' 'Fleet and Flotilla II: The Dark Side of Duty?' Space Pira' EDI! These're all porn."

"That is not entirely correct, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Please keep reading."

Matriarch Aethyta looked strangely intrigued by his statements, and Shepard didn't want to think too deeply on that one, "'Kay...lessee. 'Beyond Azure: an Asari Love Story.' Nope. 'Citadong 3 (with Councilor on Councilor Action)'. No. 'Cloaca Hunters 26'. Huh, didn' think salarians wou-stop don' think abou' it… 'The Krogan Reballion: Galactic Gangbangers!' No thanks. 'Fornax's All-Anal Platinum Fuck-o-Rama'…Aha! Entry nine, 'Serenity, the Intergalactic Remake Edition'. Tha's a good vid! Awes-wait…Space Pira' EDI, please tell me this las' entry isn' really 'Cockmander Shepard Bangs Saren, the Rogue Asspectre'…"

"Very well, Space Pirate Cockmander Shepard. The last entry is not 'Cockmander Shepard Bangs Saren, the Rogue Asspectre.'"

Oh those sons of bitches. That's it, everybody died. Everyone. "Yer lyin' to me, aren' you?"

"Yes, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. Yes I am."

Sighing to himself, Shepard's anger abated. Who was he kidding, even if he could (and let's face it, when it came to killing things, he was damn good) EDI and the others would never let him just go off on a killing spree."Fuck this…I give up. I'mma failure."

"Do not despair, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, at least you are not the Failman."

Huh? "Th' Failman?"

"I have been accessing video feeds of the bar. Please look to your seven o'clock, nine point three meters away."

Discreetly, Shepard turned his head and glanced around. There sitting a ways away was a man in black N7 armor, calmly attempting to drink his beverage. "Attempting" was the operative word, as the man kept gagging and choking on every sip. Unfortunately for him, Shepard recognized both the man and the mug of ryncol, and knew that Conrad Verner's night would not be a pleasant one. Not everybody had his artificially enhanced liver and alcohol tolerance. "Conrad Fuckin' Verner. Didn' I shoot him here? Wha's he doin' back?"

"He appears to be attempting to stalk you once more. It is ironic, in fact, that he consistently brings the fail without fail."

Oh boy, "You've been surfin' th' extranet again haven' you? Bad Space Pira' EDI."

"I apologize, Space Pirate Commander Shepard, but without my fix, I am likely to go insane and simply kill you all."

Shepard peered into his empty glass, wondering if he'd really heard that, "Space Pirate EDI? S'that a joke?"

"Of course, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

Meanwhile, a group of Eclipse Mercenaries had walked in, about twelve of them, and the lead one, an Asari in heavy combat gear strode over behind Shepard and tapped him on the shoulder, "I heard what you said about my sisters and I. Care to back up your words, fool?"

Shepard spun about and took in the dozen yellow-armored mercs trying and failing to look scary, "Fuckin' 'Clipse! You got wha' ten? Twelve o' you? Don't make me laugh, I'm Space Pirate Commander Fucking Shepard. Come back when you've gotta decen' challenge. An' by decen' I mean at least eighty o' ninety of you."

Apparently, however, a few of the other patrons had heard his boast as well, and walked over to join the mercs, hoping to get a chance to shut the upstart human up. A few turians and salarians, along with one truly humongous elcor joined the gang. It was now Shepard against twenty two mercs and bar-goers.

The lead asari, clearly pissed off, pulled the Claymore off her back, beginning to unfold it. Before the weapon was ready, Shepard grabbed it and forced it upwards, slamming it into her face and removing it from her grasp. Spinning it and grabbing the grip, he let it fully unfold and then fired point blank at the recovering asari's face, spreading all sorts of bits and blood around.

With her Claymore in his left hand, Shepard unslung his own Claymore in his right and went to work, opening fire on the nearest two mercs. Rushing up, he caught the guns on a turian's body, using his light armor to cock them and incidentally breaking the fool's neck. Continuing on, it wasn't long before he had to reload once more. Unfortunately, fate intervened.

The elcor charged him and Shepard, sans armed weapons, reacted without thinking; he immediately slammed his head into the giant's face the moment he was close enough. The force of the impact was strong enough to immediately kill the elcor, sending his body straight into the ground and splaying his limbs.

Discarding the asari's shotgun, Shepard switched hands and drew his Revenant, once more beginning to mow his way through the mercs. His shields flared as one of the salarians fired a missile at him. As the cloud of ash faded, Shepard simply turned and glared at the thin merc, and began running at him. The merc was frightened enough to throw the missile launcher away and try to surrender. Unfortunately for him, he threw the launcher in Shepard's direction, and the space pirate proceeded to hitch his shotgun and fluidly catch the missile launcher mid run. Quickly cocking it, he reached the salarian and bodily grabbed him continuing his run towards the open air balcony behind the merc. He screeched to a halt and in the same motion threw the screaming salarian off the balcony, firing after him with the missile launcher and turning him into a screaming exploding flying salarian.

Turning back around, he looked at the remainder of the enemies arrayed against him. A few of the civilians had run away, those who weren't armed or armored, but a few had stayed, taking cover. Several eclipse were still present as well, firing upon him to no avail. Shepard could see the look of fear in their eyes as he gazed about him, and it felt good. Finally! Finally people feared him. With missile launcher in one hand and Revenant in the other, Shepard just grinned widely and dove back into the fray…

* * *

Shepard woke up in his cabin on the Normandy. He'd apparently managed to make his way back with no injuries, and he remembered something had happened, but couldn't quite put his finger on it. And there was a funny taste in his mouth, which never bode well.

Looking down, he realized that while he had made it to the bed, he had neglected to remove his armor, which was completely and utterly bathed in a variety of blood colors. Great, another fun night, then. That's right! There had been a fight! At a bar. And fear! There had been fear on someone's face! That was good.

Getting up, he proceeded to remove and clean the armor, giving a sorry glance at the bed, which was also soaked in the blood of his enemies. He probably wouldn't be able to convince Tali to sleep up here if he kept it, would he. Damn, the things a Space Pirate does for love.

So there had been fear, and killing. Those were good things for there to be, and he was on Illium. That probably meant…Eternity. Yes, that sounded right. Getting dressed in his fatigues, he walked out to the elevator, intent on getting some answers as to what exactly had happened the previous night. Proudly, he glanced downwards at the overt trail of blood that led from the elevator to his bunk.

Upon reaching the CIC, Shepard immediately went over to his private terminal while requesting an update from Kelly.

"Nothing of note today, Sir. We remain docked at Illium as per your orders."

"And has anything come up on the news regarding last night?"

"I…um…Space Pirate EDI, do you want to answer this one?"

"Very well, Space Pirate Ensign Chambers. Yes, there were several news reports regarding your activities last night, Space Pirate Commander Shepard. However, I would caution you not to read them."

"Space Pirate EDI, I just spent an hour getting approximately two quarts of blood of varying types out of my armor and weapons. More importantly, I remember both killing and fear last night. This is exactly what I've been trying to do, let's see how it went, alright?"

"Very well, Space Pirate Commander Shepard."

He turned back to the console in front of him, and brought up a request for the latest local planetary news. The console responded, but to his utmost horror, Illium Daily's newest and boldest headline read as follows, "The New Face of Terror! Dread Space Pirate Conrad Verner Escapes Authorities after Killing Spree!"

* * *

Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log, stardate 2186.

Space Pirate EDI has informed me that as Conrad Fuckin' Verner is mentally unarmed, I am not allowed to kill him. I argued that being a crazy stalker-fan, and therefore evil, would force me as a Paragon to kill him.

She did not dignify my argument with a response. I assume she is computing, and that I am therefore winning. So the next time I run into him, I will be capturing him, disguising him as a turian, and dropping him off on Tuchanka.

Regardless, some of the previous night has come back to me, and I remember discussing various ways to properly instill fear in the galaxy.

And a lot of porn, come to think of it…

Anyway, I believe our next raid will be a kidnapping and ransom attempt. Space Pirate Jack has suggested targeting any of the various nobles or executives around the galaxy, as their supporters will have credits and wish them returned. It is a good suggestion, and I will begin my search.

On a sidenote, I believe I will have to ask Honorary Space Pirate King Wrex if he's ever head-butted an elcor to death. Though knowing him, he'll probably just laugh and say he's head-butted a thresher maw to death. And I admit I may believe him.

End Space Pirate Commander Shepard's Log

* * *

Author's Notes: Okay, this was a little different, more language and a little faster paced. I know that I have trouble writing in styles other than the main one I'm used to, and that one is a little dry and clinical. So, I tried to change it up a bit under the excuse that Shepard is practically blind drunk for the majority of this chapter. Let me know what you think? Should I keep trying my hand at this and my earlier and other styles, or should I solely stick with my earlier style.

Everybody, thanks for reading! Special thanks to Utuu, Alex T. Wallman (again, awesome!), and Mangled Muffin for reviewing. You guys rock!


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